the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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