If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
