dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
