You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
