I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I lost the right to judge tonight
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
