I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
