Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
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