He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I love having hate sex.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
