I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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