I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
