I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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