i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
