I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
