the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
