He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
