I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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