Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
