that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
