I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
