the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
