he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
