If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
