Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
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You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
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What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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