Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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