too bad you live with your parents still
I am midnight drunk by noon
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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