I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Terrible idea I love it
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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