Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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