I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
