dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
