His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
