okay pat passed out under dana's car
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
