I accidentally had phone sex last night
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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