sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
