the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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