how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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