my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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