there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
