Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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