just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
