so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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