Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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