I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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