The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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