I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
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Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
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I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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