I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
