i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
