Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
