youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
