After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
