waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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