I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
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And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
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Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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