Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
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