I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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