He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
