Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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