Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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