So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
