I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
