That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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