i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
